Support from friends and family helps manage the eternal juggle
The best part of being a working parent for FACEM Dr Roxanne ‘Roxy’ Shahtahmasebi is the ability to be there for her nine-year-old daughter and seven-year-old son, including important school events, while maintaining her sense of identity – “and sanity” – by working half-time.
After experiencing the juggle of interstate travel for work – one child was born in Alice Springs and another in Albany, Western Australia – Roxy says reducing her work hours has enabled her to be a hands-on parent, while ensuring her children see “their parents have a role outside the house”. It’s something she says is important to both her and her husband.
But with any benefit, there is often a downside. In the case of being a working parent in emergency medicine, managing afternoon shifts on weekends and during holidays means getting used to “leaving the family part way through the day and missing out” and can be emotionally challenging.
“We inevitably get up early, regardless of the hours I have worked, and it’s usually sleep that gets sacrificed,” says Roxy. “I think every parent knows something about that. Recently, I have also found it hard to keep up with any admin – filling up our days means I push more academic work to the side and end up falling behind.”
““We are a close-knit group in the local ED, and as colleagues we can count on each other for daily wisdom and help with shift swaps.””
She feels fortunate there are no more exams looming, and is “incredibly grateful” for the additional support she’s accessed from friends and family over the years when things have felt overwhelming – a level of support she knows not everyone enjoys.
Navigating a working parent pathway
Roxy describes the background behind her current location as “convoluted”. She started her training in Christchurch, New Zealand, before moving to Wonthaggi, Victoria in 2013 to do her rural rotation.
“This is where I met my husband and got stuck. We travelled and worked around Australia, then moved back to Christchurch where I completed my training,” she says. “Before we moved to Noosa, my parents were close by and they were a significant help. We moved back to have family support, while I committed to completing my fellowship training, in June and July 2017 –our youngest was born in March.
“My husband signed on for an apprenticeship shortly after, and we moved to Noosa in 2021. It was meant to be the year before, but we were prevented by COVID-19, which is when we tore the grandchildren away from my parents.”
Making the most of mentoring
After being invited to put themselves forward for the department mentoring system, Roxy says she was was partnered with a FACEM – a mother of five – who trained and studied for exams after having children.
“We are different in a lot of ways, like in our out-of-work interests, but what I appreciated was her acknowledgment of my desire to actually parent – to stay part-time, despite all the advice around working full time pre-OSCE – and enjoy my kids.”
“We went for coffee, or hot chocolate, and talked about managing work, family, study, husbands, and the pressures, alongside our own health and managing our ailments. I felt heard, and I felt that there was someone in the ED in my corner. The FACEMs that ran our study group were also exceptionally supportive – one of them was my DEMT and she also had my back.”
Seeking support matters
Life in Noosa now may not offer the family assistance Roxy and her husband appreciated while they were fortunate to access it, but Roxy says a group of trusted friends continue to provide support when needed.
““I managed to work physical activity into most days with the kids and started to train smarter. This obviously had a flow-on effect onto my mental health. It’s always been an outlet and reset.””
“We are a close-knit group in the local ED, and as colleagues we can count on each other for daily wisdom and help with shift swaps.”
In the past, with only between two – three months of maternity leave after each child’s birth, she says there was “definitely some anxiety at returning to work – forgetting everything, being rusty, starting a new job, and coping with the new dynamics at home”.
“However, once ‘back home in ED’, everything fell back into place and the old brain-muscle memory took over. I also had positive encounters with the ACEM training team whenever I needed their support.”
Easing back into work
To return to the workforce with a minimum of stress, it’s important to “ease back in”, she says. “Don’t agree to anything you aren’t comfortable with. Prioritise what is important to you. If it isn’t work, don’t put it at the top.” Workplaces, she says, “are going to have to move with the times, and the trend now is to allow working hours for families”.
“Work part-time if you want. Give both parents the opportunity to be at home,” says Roxy, adding that her husband is also happy to be part of many of the school happenings and pivotal moments in their children’s lives.
Although she acknowledges more money would be good, Roxy says that, in a household where both parents actively work, as well as parent, the shared decision to “get by financially and spend time on the family instead” can be draining but “doable”.
“Sometimes you can’t plan these things, but if you can, make it as easy for yourself as possible. Talk to people who have been through it and consider signing up for a mentorship. Look after your health and put your family needs first. No one regrets not working more.”
Managing physical and mental wellbeing is critical
Looking after both her mental and physical health has always been important to Roxy, but the self-confessed “fitness addict” says she had to pull back on all the activity and sports she used to do to help balance a sustainable approach to her work-life balance schedule.
Roxy makes regular exercise - and competitive running - part of her routine.
“I managed to work physical activity into most days with the kids and started to train smarter. This obviously had a flow-on effect onto my mental health. It’s always been an outlet and reset.”
Walking everywhere she could – “with one child in a pushchair and one in a sling” – helped.
As her children became older, Roxy was able to run places, such as the playground or the local swimming pool, with them either in a double buggy, or on bicycles and scooters as they grew. But understanding how not to push herself too intensely was learned the hard way.
“I once gave myself De Quervain’s tenosynovitis running a 10km race, pushing my son.”
For Roxy, feeling like she was bringing up her children herself – rather than relying on lengthy care options where the children were away from her – was vital.
“I told myself I would rather fail my exams but still know my kids, than to sacrifice that time to study,” she says.
“I managed to get back into the occasional competition and we have since exposed the kids to race day atmosphere – they mainly come for the food. Lately, it has been much easier to incorporate them into our physical activity – running or cycling places, mountain biking, and martial arts.”
Until a few years ago, despite spending her working life attending to the health concerns of others, Roxy says she hadn’t realised that she also wasn’t well. “I’d put it down to working shifts, bringing up two children, nightly waking, breastfeeding, studying and stress.”
But with the help of “my excellent GP and hospital colleagues we started to get to the bottom of it”, which led to Roxy being diagnosed with some medical and surgical issues – identification she says was “a big relief”.
“There's something to be said for being able to manage a problem a little bit better if there is an answer or some understanding of it rather than running blind.”
Her advice for new parents starts with a direction that seems simple but can be tricky to manage: “Sleep.”
She adds that parents striving for that elusive work/life balance could be helped with a reminder to “don’t sweat the small stuff” and to simply “just do your best”.
“Spend time with your kids. Make bonds and make memories. Read every night. Play music.”
