Balance, sacrifice and tiny brown footprints
In some ways, working as an emergency physician perfectly mimics the random and chaotic multi-tasking necessary when you’re a parent with four young kids.
One day I came home, after having my kids out for the day. My third, who was only a baby at that time, had fallen asleep. As I picked him up out of the car-seat, I felt that tell-tale dampness through his shorts – a poonami had erupted.
I quickly flew in motion, as one would for any major and time-sensitive incident, taking him into the bathroom, pulling off his poo laden t-shirt (styling his hair in a punk rocker fashion in the process) and trying to get him into the shower.
From behind came the cries of my second child, who now also needed to do a poo. Easy, I thought – until I remembered that he needed to be naked to do so. Suddenly, the situation at hand had become more complicated, with one poo-covered child in the shower and another one needing an emergency poo.
I felt confident though, having had years of training to prepare me for these kinds of circumstances. That is, until I turned around and saw tiny brown footprints streaked across the bathroom tiles, tracking the slippery escape of my third child.
I needed to act fast, so undressed the second child, placed him on the toilet, undressed myself, ran after the youngest, grabbed him and held him in the shower. As the water changed from brown to clear, with both boys chatting and giggling away, I knew I was in my happy place. Mission accomplished.
“While in some ways the chaos of parenting complements the fast-paced nature and unpredictability of the emergency room floor, being an emergency physician and a parent can be a really tough balancing act.”
While in some ways the chaos of parenting complements the fast-paced nature and unpredictability of the emergency room floor, being an emergency physician and a parent can be a really tough balancing act.
There’s no right time to have kids, only the right time for you. Everyone has advice for when you should have them – we had two before and two after the fellowship exams. Each time was amazing and stressful, and myself and my wife, Sarah, had to work out how we would balance work and look after the kids. We were lucky that my workplace was very flexible, but there are still moments I look back on and wish I’d been able to take more time off.
The balance hasn’t been easy and is never going to be perfect. But it wouldn’t have been tenable at all if we hadn’t taken the time to figure out how to best work together, as a family. Sarah and I have discussed this at length, and over the years, we have found that there are always sacrifices; you can’t have one thing without relinquishing something else.
Sarah has sacrificed her career progression. While my career has moved forward, hers has stalled. We always spoke openly about this and discussed what was best for each of us, and for the family, together reaching the conclusion that my career was best placed to financially support us. I am really grateful to have such a supportive partner, and to be with someone I can openly communicate and work together with, as a team.
While she does feel aggrieved that she had to take a back seat with her career, my regrets are not having more time with the kids, especially when they were younger. For me, I feel these sacrifices most when I have to choose work over spending time with my family. I remember a specific afternoon when I was studying to sit my fellowship exam, and could hear the pitter patter of feet running up and down the hall outside of my study. It was my eldest child, who was three at the time. Soon, there was a small knock on the door – he wanted me to come play with him.
All he wanted was for me to build a Thomas the Tank Engine rail system with him, but I had to complete my review on toxicology, or something, I can’t even remember now. But I do remember the way his face dropped, and his eyes filled with tears when he couldn’t understand why his dad wouldn’t play with him. As my wife carried him upstairs in tears, I tried to return to the study, burrowing the guilt deep down.
“People always talk about how family should always come first, but to be honest, there are times where that does not happen – whether it’s staying late to help with a patient, taking that phone call on your day off or attending that conference. ”
Even now, I still feel that guilt of not spending enough time with my kids. I’ll always try and walk them to school when I can. I didn’t notice, at first, but I do it more for my own benefit than for theirs – it was my second child who pulled me up on it when he said, “Dad likes to walk us as he’s not always around, whereas Mum is happy to do kiss and drop.”
One thing I will say is that, as shift workers, we can use the flexibility of shift work to our advantage. We can get those random weekdays off to help at school, or to spend time with our kids when they’re not yet at school. These days are so precious and ones the kids seem to remember.
When we do have these days off we should cherish them, but we should also cherish the time we have at work. People always talk about how family should always come first, but to be honest, there are times where that does not happen – whether it’s staying late to help with a patient, taking that phone call on your day off or attending that conference.
What I try to do is truly enjoy my family when I am with them. When I am on leave, I make a concerted effort to avoid work emails or calls and give full attention to my family. It took me a while to get there, but now the kids can see that Dad is there. My parental guilt never goes away but over time it has subsided. And as it reduces, my resentment of my job goes away – I enjoy it more.
I love being a dad and I love being an emergency physician. Both of these identities fight and complement each other – and have done from the start. But honestly, I wouldn’t change either.
This is the first of a series of articles exploring parenting and emergency medicine.
ACEM's Statement on Parenting in Emergency Medicine was released in January 2023, and aims to promote wellbeing and career sustainability for ACEM members and trainees with parenting and caring responsibilities.
